she moves she

1. In advance of departing one’s house for the day, move limbs in a rhythmic and vigorous fashion while donning only undergarments (socks/hosiery acceptable–if not necessary) and listening to sounds of The Rolling Stones, LCD Soundsystem, Sam Cooke, Flight of the Conchords, et all. Thus increasing blood flow to the heart and heating the body for the Frigid Trek of Hell to train, bus or car. If said movement is conducted in front of a reflective surface, one’s humors tend to lift creating a Light Hearted effect or in the best case scenarios, Laughter.

2. In desperate moments, such as standing in direct flow of Out-To-Murder winds or navigating Ass-Attracting sheets of ice, focus on recalling the sound of the ocean, the feel of sun on your face, ice cream melting down your hand on a warm day, hot, passionate, sweaty sex or the like.

3. Surround yourself with art and beautiful things. Art museums. Movies. Plays. Concerts. Keep yourself booked. Focus your attention on aesthetically pleasing things that don’t remind you of the desolation of Sunless Februaries.

4. Engage in something illegal to pass the time. Always wanted to rob a bank? Now’s the time! When else can you get away with wearing a ski-mask in public without suspicion of thievery or terrorism? Winter is the perfect time for all of those crimes you’ve been meaning to get around to.

5. Do drugs. Develop a crack, heroin or crystal meth addiction. Under the influence of psychotropic substances, Spring’ll be here in No Time!

6. Bum rides from as many friends as possible. Guilt them into driving out of their way by describing the intense burning sensation of -18 degree windchills as they fly up your skirt at 45 miles per hour. If that doesn’t work slip them some liquid heroin in the coffee you buy them “Just to say Thanks.” Before you know it they’ll be begging to drive you around town!

7. Don’t get fat. Ignore that voice in your head that says all your Seasonal Depression woes will be cured with that extra pizza or batch of cupcakes at the end of a long, cold day. Getting fat only makes it harder to move your limbs in a rhythmic and vigorous fashion, which is in direct violation of Rule #1.

8. Reverse your Gravity. Everyone should spend anywhere from 1-5 minutes upside down each and every day of their lives. Not only does this empty your organs of stagnant blood and increase levels of circulation but it also refreshes the lymphatic system, heightens sexual prowess, invigorates the senses, enhances mental clarity, inspires random acts of genius, imposes god-like qualities and causes your shirt to flip over your head.

9. Do yoga. Intensify your strength, flexibility and mental focus by adding a bit of yoga to your daily routine. A couple sun salutes in the morning, a few arm balances to spice up the day or a slew of asanas in the early evening can quiet a busy mind and bring focus back to your spirit or heart center, increasing the knowledge that the outside world does not so much affect our perception as much as our perception affects the outside world. And that’s fuckin’ hot!

10. Visit the Sexual Self-Improvement section at your local bookstore. Mix up the day by upgrading your Kama Sutra Knowledge. Learn all about positions like: The Side Saddle Cowgirl, The Lazy Doggie, The Reverse Spoon, The Crab and so much more! This will definitely put some fire in your pants, defying the Winter Blues with an Ali Upper Cut and making the rest of your day a heck of a lot brighter.

Well. It’s Valentine’s Day. And I’m so sad. I didn’t get a pajamagram! This is tragic. My entire year is ruined. Doesn’t anyone love me? Does my life have any meaning and significance?

But really…what is this Valentine’s Day thing? My sources reveal:

“One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death.

“According to one legend, Valentine actually sent the first ‘valentine’ greeting himself. While in prison, it is believed that Valentine fell in love with a young girl — who may have been his jailor’s daughter — who visited him during his confinement. Before his death, it is alleged that he wrote her a letter, which he signed ‘From your Valentine.’ Although the truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It’s no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.”

In Rome there was actually a festival surrounding the celebration of St. Valentine that involved slapping women with strips of goat hides.

“To begin the festival, members of the Luperci, an order of Roman priests, would gather at the sacred cave where the infants Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome, were believed to have been cared for by a she-wolf or lupa. The priests would then sacrifice a goat, for fertility, and a dog, for purification.

“The boys then sliced the goat’s hide into strips, dipped them in the sacrificial blood and took to the streets, gently slapping both women and fields of crops with the goat hide strips. Far from being fearful, Roman women welcomed being touched with the hides because it was believed the strips would make them more fertile in the coming year. Later in the day, according to legend, all the young women in the city would place their names in a big urn. The city’s bachelors would then each choose a name out of the urn and become paired for the year with his chosen woman.”

I’m imagining what it would be like to walk outside right now and see men chasing and slapping women with bloody strips of raw goat hide on the streets of Chicago…and the women actually being happy about it. It is a mad, mad world.

Happy Goat Hide Day.

I’ve long been a participant in the Cup Of Tea Before Bed ritual.  Even on nights of heavy drinking.  Couple your cup of tea with a crossword, The New Yorker, cat petting, staring at the ceiling, or a little cuddling and you’ll sleep like a grizzly bear in January.  Recently I got a tea with a very high Valerian Root content.  Valerian Root has long been considered by crazy medicine men and shamans as a natural sedative and dream enhancer.  (What a fabulous phrase!  Can I someday be a Dream Enhancer?  Please let me enhance your dreams with my charm, wit and cursive body.)  The result of including Valerian Root in my little ritual has been colorful, wild, vivid dreams that do not fade with time.  I had a dream last week that I can recall just as vividly now as when I woke up.

These vivid dreams are powerful and make me wonder if our dreams have as much weight as people would like to believe.  To me it makes perfect sense that our subconscious has thoughts too and that during the dreaming cycle images, thoughts and feelings get carried over.  Sure it is rearranging information but the order of arrangement is significant.

For example, the dream I recall so vividly is one where I was driving in the snow in Nashville…but actually it was just around the block from where I live now.  The car was a stick shift, which I cannot drive, and the brakes weren’t working.  I was in a speeding car, in White Out conditions, with no way to stop.  I was panicked, out-of-control feeling, yet watching calmly from a distance and engaged in the driving all at the same time (I love dreams where you have multiple perspectives!! Where else in life?).  I can interpret that pretty accurately…the car is representative of my life and the confused setting indicative of the fact that I don’t know where I’m going.   I get it…I agree with you subconscious.  Thank You.

Last night’s dream?  Not so obvious.  According to that dream, I want to save the world from exploding, live in Paris, be a secret agent and have sex with this guy in a bathroom moments before the world ends.

The moral of this blog entry is: Valerian Root is cooooool.   You should try it.

Listening to Radiohead’s House of Cards as the gods plummet down upon us another blizzard is sufficiently depressing. When the winds turn the snow horizontal and the frozen puddles make every step treacherous there are only so many things one can do to keep up one’s spirits. Crumpling paper. Writing nonsense. Traveling via Mind Trains: Machu Picchu, Barcelona, Okinawa…canoing in Alabama. Listening to soft sounds of guitars, horns, synthesizers, cat’s meows. That is to say, Choose Your Own Distraction.

If life seems mundane, muted, routine, boring, void of inspiration…or even if you’re amazingly happy in love and joyful beyond expression…see this film.

Official website.