she moves she

It’s the last of the Chicago Days.  I’m soaking in as much of it as possible despite the fact that said “soaking in” left me Bug Bitten and Itchy after a jaunt at Belmont Harbor over the weekend.  For a moment or two I thought I might have the measles.  I once wandered into a situation involving a Blueberry Bog while wearing a skirt.  I was covered with more than 100 mosquito bites that swelled and blossomed for days.  Today is no different except instead of my legs it’s my hips and torso.  Antihistamines.  Smelly creams.  Ice creams.  Cream of SumYung Guy.  Guy Pierce.  Memento.  New Jersey. Papa New Guinea.  And let’s not forget, of course, Papa Smurf and…I don’t know…Italy.

I have a crush on Martin Starr.  You may know him as Bill from Freaks and Geeks, the Beard Guy from Knocked Up or High Guy #3 from Superbad.  Several of the fellas from Freaks and Geeks–Judd Apatow’s ephemeral tv series from the late 90s–have ridden the coat tails of Judd’s successes (Seth Rogen) or gone on to become super villians (James Franco) but all we’ve gotten of Martin Starr are the Who-Was-That-Dude roles. When will Martin get his shot?

How about Martin Starr and Michael Cera in a Shoot Em Up/Spy movie?  Their nerdy awkwardness juxtaposed with a suspenseful, quick-witted, new-fangled, action-packed script with the musical genius of David Shwartz and maybe a Tom Hanks cameo and love story involving Natalie Portman who stars as the Good Girl Turned Criminal, would make millions at the box office.

Tonight I’m seeing Pineapple Express. The trailer is genius but I’m keeping my expectations low.  What are the chances that it tops Superbad?  I’m sure PE will inspire laughter unfurled but I’m sure it would have been better if Martin Starr had been in it.

The sun did not wake me this morning as it has for the last two months. Even on the most overcast of days my apartment is full of blinding light by 6:30 AM. Today the sky is an apocalyptic yellow-green. Did the sun ever rise?

After schlepping through the rain and thunder and lightning to the red line I look for a seat on the train. The only one is next to a nice looking black guy with his bag in the empty seat next to him. It’s widely known that this is not acceptable on the trains between 8 and 9 AM. Every seat is sacred. People fight for them. “Would you mind moving your bag?” No response. He’s not listening to an ipod. “Excuse me? Would you mind moving your bag please?” He ignores me again. In less than half a second I know what’s happening and I decided long ago to not take shit like this. I pick up his bag, hand it to him and sit down. He looks at me like “What the fuck did you just do!” I look at him like “That’s what you get for ignoring me you rude asshole.” Twenty seconds of wierdness goes by. Everyone in the traincar has noticed this little confrontation. Then it gets worse. “Just for future reference,” he says loudly, “another brother would of hit you. I’m not that kind of person but I know people like that.” “I asked you nicely to move your bag and you ignored me.” “That don’t matter, I know people that would just hit you for touching they stuff.” The thing is: he’s right.

Reverse the situation. If I was sitting in that seat, my huge bag taking up space on a crowded train and a black man asked me nicely to move my bag and I ignored him TWICE. What then would happen? I guarantee a confrontation much worse than what I experienced this morning.

Did I do the right thing? I’m not sorry. And I’d do the same thing again but I do acknowledge that it wasn’t the smart thing to do. Though what is the alternative? Stand there and be treated like I don’t exist? Allow a stranger to completely disrespect me? Let’s not pretend that race didn’t play a part in this. If he was a white guy? He would have been less threatening and more of just a jerk on the train. If I were a black girl? He probably wouldn’t have ignored me in the first place.

I won’t accept that it was a stupid thing to do. I wasn’t on the south side, I was in Wriggleyville! Maybe I’ve just lived a life sheltered from violence but normally you don’t expect your life to be threatened on a train on the north side. Regardless…yet another reason why I’m glad to be leaving this city. Because he is completely right…another brother would’ve hit me.

This hot city is full of Lollapalooza goers and they annoy me. 1. because there’s a hundred thousand of them crowding the city streets and 2. because most of them are those hipster types and hipsters bug me. Chicks in the biggest sunglasses imaginable, neon leggings and ballet flats. And who can overlook those guys in skinny jeans. My grandma always used to say “Never trust a guy in skinny jeans, Lauren.” And Granny…you’re so right.

Skinny jeans have to be the most unattractive garment a guy could ever wear. (Well most guys…I had too many drinks recently with a guy who actually pulled them off…you know who you are.) In general, these jeans are emasculating. Whatever happened to the idea of being a MAN? Like, you know, someone who could scoop a girl up, carry her to the bedroom and rip her clothes off? You don’t have to be a sports fan or Wall Street Asshole to fall into this category. Where are all the men? Show me please–A debonair man: a Gregory Peck. A suave man: a Paul Newman. A rugged man: a Robert Redford. A cool man: a James Dean. An artistic man: a Johnny Depp. A music man: a Tom Waits. It goes so far beyond fashion and it can be said for women as well as men. Maybe I just have a super crush on Cool Hand Luke and Denys Finch.

A lovely friend just turned me on to Zooey Deschanel’s band, She and Him. I didn’t think I could have a bigger Chic Crush on her but I was wrong. They are wonderful!